bribes are not that bad...

So i've gotten in the habit of paying bribes. Mostly small ones, to save paperwork.

Bribe #1: On the Transnistrian Border, from the PMR to Ukraine.
Reason: to not miss the bus and lose my luggage

Rating on the bribe scale (1-10): 7 (mild severity, significant lose of passport and/or material goods)

Welcome to post-Soviet Europe, Mike!

The drama was high, not 'thought i'd die' or anything but 'thought i'd shit my pants because i as looking at 4 guys with ak-47s in a room without windows and a black book on a small table and a lightbulb hanging there and my poor little blue passport staring at me sadly across the room.'

THE SETTING: Going to Transnistria is like going to the soviet union. Guys with big military hats, lots of guns, etc. If you're a westerner, you're marked from the beginning. If you speak russian and are a westerner, you're not that bad, but still questionable.

Everytime i cross the border it's a mini-interrogation: Why are you here, how much money do you have, what do you do, etc. I usually say that i'm a tourist, i love Russia and the USSR (i use this russian phrase that means the greatest/best and insert nouns like: people, food, girls, language, way of life, etc.).

That usually gets them laughing, then they usually let me go, but this one guy totally pulled the waiting game ... so on the bus to Odessa i was the only non-moldovan/ukrainian, so as soon as they see my passport (this is on the border to Ukraine, i'd already purchased my trasnit visa ... which is a mere slip of paper)

They take me into this windowless room and 4 dudes with AK-47s tell me i've not registered with the police in moldova and that i need a customs stamp, which i can get 200 km away. I point to the multiple entry visa, the multiple entries to Moldova, and the fact that I am here now and not rotting in some jail in Chisinau as proof that I'm legit. As for the customs stamp, I tell him i'm not an importer, and that i found it a bit amusing for a Transnistrian security officer to be a stickler for Moldovan customs rules, since this, in his eyes, isn't Moldova. i know the rules are totally bullshit, and i tell them that.

As the bus moved from the clearance zone down the street, the question was not 'let's get this settled' but becomes a king of game show: How much would you pay to get out of this situation?

The negotiating continue. 20 minutes. They finger my passport, knowing full well that i'll do anything to have it back. i see the bus pulling away, and the driver is honking, in essence saying "get on or your shit is going to odessa without you"

At this point I committ the cardinal sin of bribery: i mention money. I suggest there might be a fine to pay, and their greedy eyes light up: their first suggestio was an exorbitant $200.

i counter with $10.

they go to $100.

i say $10.

they say $50.

i say $15.

we get it down to $20, and i say to them in English:

'you guys are greedy bastards' and he's like "what does this greedy bastard mean?"

i say in russian "it's all about money" and they all start laughing, offer me a cigarette and say

"mike, like American, right?"

i couldn't argue with that...

on the way back, i refused to mention money and instead told about the wonders i witnessed in the PMR last week:

but the key to not paying bribes is to never say anything about money,
raise your voice often, and make them laugh. on the way back the guy
was offering me vodka b/c i trashed moldova, saying in essence that
the roads, the people, and even the football team are much better
there....

ME: Pridnestrovie.....samaya horoxaya stana mira ... eta pravda? [Transnistria ... the best country in the world, eh?]

Border guard: Koneschna! [of course]

Bribe #2: Failing to fully stop at the stop sign (behind a tree 10 meters in front of the real, legitimate stop sign on the border)

Rating on the bribe scale (1-10): 1 (little chance of bodily harm, in essence a fine that will most likely enable a guy who gets paid very little to get drunk)

So this time it was the Moldovan cops who were greedy. I didn't do the negotiating, as we had a real Moldovan with us, Daria. It was either 50 lei (4 bucks) there or we go to the bank in town to get a receipt.

Since we were in a rented car on limited time, I just paid up.